I buy all your favorite foods so I will be ready when you come home
because once I did this and you said “This is how I know you love
I go on long walks alone and think about a poem my friend wrote
that goes ”This is how you die by distance.”
I hum the sound of the dial tone under my breath.
I stare at my hands and wonder at their uses. I consider pawning
my thighs. I consider auctioning off my hip bones. I put my breasts in
a box on the top shelf of the closet. I do not need them now.
I think of all the things I have to tell you when I will see you.
I just found out pumpkins are technically fruits
Cary Grant’s first job was in a traveling circus
Most mammals are born able to walk and learn to run within minutes, so we are not crazy for moving so fast.
This morning I wrote your name in the steam on my mirror, even though I knew it would fade within minutes
In my best notebook I wrote “I miss you” ten thousand times.
I wrote “I think I am missing one of my ribs”
I wrote “I envy the way leaves know exactly when to fall from the branches and when to come back in the spring”
I wrote “Everyone else isn’t you. It turns out that’s a huge problem for me.”"
I was thinking about how people use the phrase “I’m marrying my best friend” and how much I can’t relate to it. Don’t get me wrong, there is no one I’d rather spend time with than Amanda, but she certainly isn’t my best friend. When we first started dating, it was always dating. It took us months to have a movie date and when we did we spent the whole movie macking it, etc. I’ve felt about her from the beginning the way I never could about a best friend. We didn’t meet as friends. When I moved and we planned to be just friends I told her I loved her still and kissed her whenever I saw her, even though it hurt.
I think “I’m marrying my best friend” is a statement for straight people. The reaction to the phrase is supposed to be, “Oh wow, you really get along with this opposite gendered person on non-sexual levels.” To generalize, it’s easier for gay ladies to fall into the besties-who-kiss trap. I’m thinking of the first season of The Real L Word— those two similar-looking middle-aged women who were concerned mostly with installing chaneliers in their mansion— the brunette one said, “Being a lesbian is fabulous. It’s having a best friend you can also have sex with.” It made me so sad. Like these two Real Housewives of Orange County, after being ladies who lunch go home and stumble into bed because they’re such good friends? Maybe I’m being mean but I can’t be the only one who believes in compartmentalization.
I’m not marrying my best friend. I’m marrying someone who knows me inside and out, someone whom I love so much to rearranges everything I know about myself and the world. I love her in a way that best friend doesn’t even begin to cover.